More than three decades after the death of her son, Vivian Cope still finds herself asking the same question.
"What if?"
Reginald Joseph Hohapata, known to his whānau as "Sonson", died suddenly in 1985. He was just weeks away from turning nine months old.
"He was a really good baby," Vivian remembers.
"There was nothing unusual. I just went through the motions of being a parent."
At the time, Vivian had a two-year-old daughter and was navigating life as a young mother. Sonson was her first son, a baby she describes as easy-going, healthy and rarely sick.
His death came as a complete shock.
"It was unexpected," she says.
Nearly 40 years later, the grief remains.
"What if I'd done this? What if I'd done that? Would our boy still be here?"
And although she understands that those questions can never be answered, they have never completely disappeared.
Back then, sudden unexpected infant deaths were more commonly referred to as SIDS. Safe sleep messaging was also very different from what it is today.
"There was no education on it. The messaging wasn't really clear back then, if at all."
Like many parents of her generation, Vivian relied on the information available to her at the time. Looking back now, she knows much of that advice has changed as research and understanding of SUDI has evolved.
"Things change. Information changes. And the information changes because of the research that's done."
Today, Vivian encourages parents and whānau to seek out the latest information and not be afraid to ask questions.
"No question is a dumb question."
"If you're concerned about your baby's wellbeing, you've got to ask those questions."
Throughout her career as a parent educator, and now as a grandmother of seven mokopuna, she has continued sharing what she has learned from her own experience.
"We've always talked about Sonson. My children know what happened and so do my mokopuna."
For Vivian, speaking publicly about her son is not only about remembering him. It's about helping other whānau feel confident enough to seek support and access up to date information.
She believes whānau support, trusted health professionals and open conversations all have a role to play in keeping pēpi safe.
"The information Nanny and Koro have comes from a place of love," she says.
"But it's not bad information, it's just outdated."
As Hāpai Te Hauora continues to dedicate the month of June to raising awareness of SUDI prevention, Vivian hopes her story reminds parents that asking for help is a strength, not a weakness.
"Don't be afraid to ask the questions."
And for whānau who have experienced the loss of a baby themselves, she has a message too.
"It gets easier."
"You won't forget it. It just gets easier."
